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  Chapter 3: Honey Cakes?

  The following day dawned bright and beautiful, much to the dismay of the Tragics preparing to go home after their festival of misery. Fotio wasn't all that happy about the sunshine either - it was far too intense for his tastes on this particular morning. What was even more annoying was that Akakion showed no ill effects from the excesses of the night before. The priest had risen early, knocked on the door to Fotio's room and let in Dawn's rosy fingers, which proceeded to pummel the young thief's brain. The priest even whistled as they made their way to the Temple of Mazi to pick up supplies for the journey south - a high-pitched keening that annoyed rather than entertained.

  'Honey cakes?' Fotio said after inspecting his pack. 'You got your lackeys to fill our bags with honey cakes? Is this what we're going to eat for a week?'

  Akakion stopped whistling, which brought a smile to Fotio's, albeit a fleeting one. 'Don't grumble, there's other stuff in there. I never realized just how good those things were, especially as walking food. They're tasty, lightweight and last forever. I got the temple cooks to prepare a batch for us. They're not as good as your Mom's, but they'll do.'

  Fotio made a disgusted noise in the back of his throat and hoisted the pack onto his shoulders.

  They wound through the narrow streets and past the caravan that was waiting to collect the last few Tragics who needed to travel south. For the first time since the two had met, Fotio and Akakion agreed on something: better to walk than to ride in the caravan of misery.

  A couple of the bored looking guards that were slouched against a cart straightened up and saluted Akakion as he walked past. 'Poor bastards,' he muttered when they had moved beyond earshot. 'Imagine having to go on such a long trip with someone you don't like.'

  'Yeah. Poor them.'

  The priest laughed and clapped Fotio on the back. 'At least their travelling companions aren't reluctant servants of the Gods, eh Foti?'

  'You seem far more cheerful today than you were last night.'

  'Not even the Gods can deny a man a moment of grief when his marriage falls apart,' Akakion said, as they approached the southern gate in the town wall. 'But today is a new day, and life goes on.'

  'Very philosophical,' Fotio said and hoisted his pack higher up on his shoulders. Despite all his grumblings, he was beginning to enjoy himself. The morning was clear and warm, with a refreshing cool breeze that carried a faint tang of the sea coming from the west. Regardless of the bizarreness of his current plight, it was still better than waking up in a musty stable and wondering where his next meal was coming from. He may be a hostage of Fate, but at least Fate was a good host, and there were far worse dooms than to go on a pleasant stroll through the forests of Helvenica in the summer time. As they walked, Fotio found himself pondering life while Akakion whistled.

  There was little to distract Fotio during the march - the countryside south of Putami was very similar to the countryside north of Putami, just a little wilder. The fertile fields weren't as manicured, the farmer's homes less well kept, and the occasional wood they passed through was darker. He found himself focusing more and more on Akakion's whistling, until his ears buzzed and his mind filled with images of blood and devastation, which got in the way of his pondering.

  'It all seems a bit farfetched,' he said, after they had been marching steadily for close to an hour. It's not that he felt the need to converse, but he did need to stop Akakion's whistling, and it was either chat or crush the priest's skull with the mace. Considering the way his two previous assaults had fared, chatting was probably the safest option.

  'What?'

  'This.'

  'Walking to the Temple? I thought we agreed against going with the caravan.'

  'No, the reason we're going to the Temple at all. It all seems a bit strange and unreal.'

  Akakion shrugged. 'It seems quite normal to me.'

  'Yeah, but you're part of the whole conspiracy, aren't you? The Gods didn't pluck you out at random and tell you that you've got to go and save the world. It's all in a day's work for you.'

  'Helvenica is not the whole world, and your presence on the journey is not an accident. Do you think the Gods send dreams to one hundred heroes every day of the week?'

  'But I'm not a hero! I'm just a delivery boy who moonlights as a bad thief...'

  'Who just happens to be able to wield the Stone Mace, a weapon most men can't even lift off the ground!' Akakion said abruptly. 'Face it lad, you're not just a regular failure. You're a heroic failure.'

  Fotio fell silent. 'You could at least take me seriously,' he said, after a short while.

  'I've travelled many miles to escort you to an audience with the Emperor, leaving important duties undone. You do understand that it's the Emperor? The ruler of all Helvenica. The boss! The big cheese! And you've already had an audience with a King. Had you even seen King Solon before? And you've met a God. How many times have you met a God? This is a deadly and important journey we are about to undertake and you should not take it lightly.'

  The band of Harpy's that chose that precise moment to attack only served to highlight Akakion's point.

  Fotio didn't have time to count them properly, but at least ten of the screeching fiends swooped down upon them from behind. The two travelers managed to ward off the first wave with mace and spear.

  'I always thought Harpy's were ugly,' Fotio said, as he and Akakion stood back to back watching the circling monsters. He assumed they were Harpies. There couldn't be too many types of flying women-ish monsters in the world, but they weren't quite what Fotio thought Harpies should be. His mind's eye pictured fanged and taloned monstrosities that were only vaguely humanoid, and, while the creatures circling them certainly had fangs and talons, they definitely weren't monstrous. Quite the opposite. From Fotio's point of view, they were being attacked by beautiful young women with white-feathered wings and a bad attitude.

  'They're ugly on the inside,' Akakion said, sounding strangely distant. 'Just like all women.'

  Fotio didn't know what was more frightening, the circling devils or Akakion's tone of voice. 'Are you okay?'

  'Why'd you do it,' Akakion screamed. 'Why! Why!'

  'What are you talking about, Keeper?' The biggest of the flying women screeched in response to Akakion's strange question. Unlike the others, she wielded a dagger in each of her hands. 'We haven't eaten you yet.'

  'I was always good to you!' Akakion screamed back. 'I told you when we first met I'd be away from home a lot. I am the Keeper and the Gods need me.'

  Fotio decided that the strange sound the Harpy made must have been laughter, but he failed to see any humor in the situation. The evidence of his ears suggested Akakion had been having sexual relations with a monster. An attractive monster, with well-groomed blonde hair and a taut, feminine body, but a monster nonetheless. A little voice at the back of his head expressed concern that he found their assailants sexually appealing, but he ignored it.

  'You would not survive a visit to my home, little man, and your Gods have met their match. They can protect you no more. At them sisters, we will feast on the flesh of men tonight.'

  With a decidedly un-feminine screech, the Harpies flew at the two men, their talons stretched out before them like three pronged spears. Fotio saw a beam of light strike the armed Harpy in the chest and pin her to the ground before the monsters were upon him. His mace felt unusually light and he knew, in a strangely detached way, that he was in dire peril. But his body felt strong, his blood was pounding, and fear was the last thing on his mind.

  The Harpies dove at him from all directions, but Fotio spun and twisted, dodging talon and tooth and claw, while his mace crushed and smashed. He did not think. He did not feel. He simply reacted. Feathers flew, bones cracked, but there was no blood and the bodies of the Harpies turned to dust as his mace drove the life from them.

  When the last of the Harpies had crumbled, Fotio dropped to his knees and leaned on his mace. The muscles in his arms and ches
t burned, and his lungs heaved like the bellows at Master Arapsi's forge. He was surprised at how spent he felt. The battle could not have lasted more than ten minutes and he had suffered only a few superficial wounds. Through the pain and fatigue, he could hear that at least one Harpy had not vanished.

  The battle had taken him some distance from Akakion, and it was from that direction that the voice of the Harpy came. Despite the protestations of his legs, he stood up and stumbled the short distance to where the Keeper of the Order stood, totally unharmed, beside the road. Akakion's eyes were focused on a spot several yards away, where the armed Harpy lay pressed to the ground and surrounded by a shimmering blue light.

  'Why? Answer me,' Akakion screamed at the Harpy as Fotio approached.

  'How would I know, I'm a spirit not a mortal woman,' she screeched. Fotio hadn't heard the whole question, but he could guess what it was. In a way, it was a relief to know that his companion was simply insane and not a cross-species sexual adventurer.

  'Let her up,' Fotio said, but Akakion ignored him.

  'Let her up,' he repeated, and pushed the priest's shoulder.

  Akakion almost fell over, righted himself and then turned startled eyes on Fotio. 'What?' he said, and the blue light surrounding the Harpy faded.

  'Why did you attack us?' Fotio asked the Harpy, who was still on the ground.

  'Your time is at an end,' she screeched defiantly, but there was pain in her voice. Fotio noticed that her wings were pinned under her body, crushed and broken.

  'What?'

  'Monos comes and you and the Twelve will be banished from Helvenica.'

  'And do you think Monos will look kindly upon your kind?' Akakion said. He seemed to have recovered from his daze and was standing beside Fotio.

  'Because the Twelve have been so generous to us,' she said and drove one of her daggers into her chest. Fotio and Akakion watched her turn to dust and the dagger fall to the earth.

  'She'd rather face oblivion than talk to you,' Fotio said.

  'What? She's not dead. Harpies are immortal.'

  'Really?'

  'Yes, really. They are spirits of the Earth, which is why she knew me. What do they teach kids in school these days, or did you miss anthropology because you hit the teacher with a table? The Harpies will return to their Spirit Halls beneath Mount Polipsilo where they will carve new bodies from the stones of the mountain. It will take them years, but what is time to an immortal creature?'

  'I'm not the first person to nod off in school and I'm sure I won't be the last,' Fotio said. 'Let's move up the road a little. I don't think I can relax enough to rest here. All these piles of dust are weird.'

  Akakion wasn't listening. 'She was right,' he said, sitting down in the middle of the road. 'Sharon hates me.'

  'Well, yeah. That's why she left you.'

  'I'm a terrible person and Sharon hates me,' Akakion said, and started to sob.

  Fotio stood, slack jawed, and watched as Akakion fell onto his side and curled his knees into his chest. 'She hates me,' he whispered, wrapped his arms around his knees, and started to cry.

  (ii)

  The Tragics, whose caravan arrived at the scene of the battle an hour later, were in awe of Akakion's level of misery. They clustered around the guards who formed a muscular barricade a few yards from where he lay and stared at him in envy.

  'Lord Akakion!' one of the soldiers said, making his way to the priest's side while his peers kept the ogling Tragics at bay.

  'We got attacked by Harpies,' Fotio volunteered.

  'What have you done to him?' the soldier said, drawing his sword and facing the young thief. Behind him, the other soldiers also drew their swords.

  Fotio hadn't noticed just how many soldiers there were. 'I didn't do anything to him. I told you. Harpies attacked us.'

  'Do you think we're idiots or something? No harpy would be stupid enough to attack the Keeper. Mazi would make it his personal business to turn her eternity into a misery.'

  'Ask him! It's not as if he's unconscious or dead,' Fotio said, and a look of concern crossed his features. 'He isn't, is he?'

  'No, Foti, I am not dead,' a cracked and broken voice said. If it hadn't come from the curled body he would not have recognized it as Akakion's. 'He speaks the truth, sergeant, we were attacked by harpies, and they knew who I was. They just didn't care.'

  Akakion uncurled himself and stood up. 'Our Gods are weakening while we stroll through the countryside.'

  'So it's true what Captain Attios said, we are abandoned.'

  'Not abandoned, sergeant, just left to our own devices. The Gods cannot help us now. It's up to the people of Helvenica to answer the threat of Monos and his army. I hate to do this, but my companion and I must get to the Temple of All Gods as quickly as possible so we must take two of your horses.'

  'At once, Lord,' the sergeant said and bustled off, yelling at people at the top of his voice.

  'We're going to ride?' Fotio said, hope in his voice.

  'Yes. The situation is worse than I had thought and we must make haste. The Gods may as well not be there for all the help they're going to be to the people of Helvenica.'

  Fotio thought for a moment of what a world without Gods would be like. It seemed a rather pleasant proposition from where he currently stood, but he thought it best to keep his thoughts to himself.

  The sergeant, who returned leading two poor old nags, interrupted his theological cogitations. 'This is all we can spare, Lord,' he said to Akakios. 'They may be getting on, but they're both still strong and capable of carrying a rider.'

  'Thank you, sergeant, these will be fine,' Akakion said, and took the reins of both horses and passed one set over to Fotio.

  'Oh, just one more thing,' the sergeant said after he had helped them load their packs onto the horses. 'Old Ormi here,' he pointed to Fotio's horse, 'he's had a bit of a tough life and every now and again he takes fright. It's not that bad, really, and he eventually slows down and wanders back.'

  (iii)

  Fotio hadn't ridden a horse for some time - not since his ignoble exit from school in fact - and he'd missed it. He was a long way away from being Helvenica's best horseman, but he could put in a fair claim for being its most enthusiastic. Until now, all the horses he'd ridden had made him feel like he was astride a beast that was power and speed made flesh. Today he learnt that not all horses were the same.

  Ormi was not a horse in a hurry.

  'We could probably make better time walking,' Fotio complained, but Akakion ignored him. He'd been moody and unresponsive for most of the day and it was beginning to get on Fotio's nerves.

  'Want a honey cake,' he ventured a few minutes later.

  Akakion turned to look at the young thief. His eyes were red and tear stained, and barely concealed the roiling mind behind them. 'No I don't want a honey cake,' he said in a barely audible whisper. 'I HATE HONEY CAKES!' he screamed, scaring twelve textures of shit out of Fotio and magically transforming Ormi the plodder into a beast that was power and speed made flesh.

  Fotio grasped the reins and hung on for dear life, 'Aaaaiiiiieeeeee,' was all he could think of saying as Ormi bolted down the road like there was a pride of hungry lions on his tail.

  One scream was barely adequate and Fotio was gathering a good lung-full of air to power the second when he was distracted from his panic by a giant, disembodied, feminine hand. It popped into existence right before his eyes, surrounded in a golden light, and moved down to stroke Ormi's head.

  This had little effect on the animal.

  Fotio gibbered in terror and contemplated jumping off. A mad horse was bad enough, but a mad horse haunted by a giant hand was definitely too much.

  The ghost-hand grabbed the reins, but there was no stopping Ormi in his reckless flight from the demons of his mind. Apparently out of ideas, the hand wandered down and vanished beneath the horse.

  Fotio watched it go, but its disappearance did little to comfort him. He was about to
unleash the almighty scream he had prepared earlier when he was distracted yet again, this time by Ormi's hooves leaving the ground.

  Man and horse made confused noises and looked down at the ground, which was about a yard beneath where they both thought it ought to be. Ormi thrashed his legs and Fotio finally let out his scream, but they both ran out of puff after a few minutes and ended up just hanging in the air.

  Fortunately, Ormi had stayed on the road and it wasn't long before Akakion caught up with them. 'I think the Gods are watching,' he said as he reined his horse in beside the dangling duo.

  'I never would have guessed,' Fotio replied. 'Can you get us down from here, please?'

  'I don't think so. It's not like the Gods listen to my prayers,' Akakion said.

  Ormi and Fotio floated gently to the ground, in a gesture that Akakion felt proved just what petulant bastards the Gods were. He snatched the reins in case the horse decided to bolt again, but Ormi had gone right off the whole idea and was considering never getting above a gentle trot ever again.

  Fotio carefully dismounted, moved several yards away, and sat down heavily on the grassy verge of the road. 'You are the craziest bastard I have ever met,' he said. 'You're even crazier than that bloody horse.'

  'Sorry.'

  'Sorry? Is that it? Sorry? You were useless against the Harpies, you scared the life out of my horse and almost got me killed, and all you can say is sorry? It's a miracle Helvenica still exists with you as the Keeper.'

  Fotio flopped backwards onto the ground. 'You've tormented me more in a couple of days than all my teachers managed in all the years I spent at school put together.'

  'I'm sure you've had girlfriends that have been worse,' Akakion said and flopped down beside the thief.

  The horses, freed from their bonds, looked at one another and reached a conclusion. Things had been a bit weird in the last few minutes and some quiet time was in order. They took to grazing on the side of the road.

  'It's a mystery to me why women are so attracted to thugs and thieves,' Akakion continued, oblivious to the blush creeping over Fotio's face. 'When I was a lad, it was a struggle meeting women, yet the local bully boys had to beat them off with a stick. What is it that women see in men like you?'

  'What in the name of The Twelve are you talking about? Who cares what women see in men like me?'

  'No, go on, tell me. It's a serious question.'

  Fotio rolled his eyes and sighed.

  'Come on Foti, don't be shy. I left you alone in the Inn for a couple of hours and you somehow managed to snare a girl,' Akakion paused. 'What was her name? Germina, wasn't it?'

  'It was Geneka and you scared her off,' Fotio snapped.

  'Pretty name,' Akakion said, his smile stretching towards leer-dom. 'It's a pity I never got to meet her.'

  'Why, so you could ask her why your wife left you?'

  'Not all relationships are like your empty affairs,' Akakion said, his voice becoming heated and his attitude combative. 'Marriage is a lifelong commitment, not a quick grope in the dark.'

  'How far are we from The Temple?' Fotio asked in an effort to change the flow of conversation. He was eager to get to their destination because he was sure that the Emperor would see the madness of this plan and release him. His cynical heart laughed at his optimism.

  'Two days if the horses stay well,' Akakion said and then looked about him. They were in a small clearing by the side of the road. 'It's getting late so we may as well stop here for the night.'

  'Oh come on, there's still plenty of sunlight left, and the horses look like they could keep going. Why delay? After all, the future of Helvenica is in our hands!'

  Akakion looked suspiciously at the thief. 'I suppose so. Let's get a move on then.'